Note: This post is long overdue, and I apologize to all of my Vox friends for taking so long to update my blog. In all honesty, I attempted to create several posts in these past few months, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. After reading the following paragraphs, I think you'll understand why.
After Yukimo passed away, a string of events occurred in my life that ended up making this year one of the worst years of my life. I fell in and out of small depressions for a few months and I'm still getting over some of the things that happened. I originally planned to go into great detail about this year's happenings, but it's really too hard to bring up all of the emotions that I've faced, so instead, I'm going to sum everything up into a small post.
This was my life for the last half of 2008:
- Yuki passed away at the end of September.
- I lost my job in November.
- I had to have emergency surgery in December due to having appendicitis.
- My chance for unemployment is "under investigation," even though I fully deserve to get it. Financial stress has kicked in.
- I had to deal with the consequences of everything and somehow get myself to graduate by the middle of December.
While I know that many other people have probably had to endure far worse than I've gone through, the harsh reality of all this... devastated me. Here's the thing: I had a plan. I had a solid, fullproof plan for the end of this year and the following few years. I was going to graduate and then not have to worry about classes ever again. I was going to have a secure job that I loved. I was going to finally, finally, be somewhere in my life that was stress-free. Instead, the universe decided to turn its back on me and flick me off.
Honestly though, I'm not angry with anyone. Six Apart is an amazing company and I fully understand its reasoning for cutting back. I still love the company in so many ways; I just need some time to heal from that experience (which is part of the reason why it's been so hard to come back to Vox). The economy sucks right now and that's a reality I've learned firsthand. Now I'm dealing with the financial repercussions... It's hard, and I'm starting to panic a little more every day. Shawn has been trying to relieve my stress and he's been handling the bills. Thank goodness for him-- he's been here with me for everything.
My body decided it couldn't handle the stress of Yukimo and losing my job so my appendix decided it was time to head out. I had never in my life went through surgery before, but considering everything that had happened, I guess it was bound to happen. It was one of the scariest and most painful experiences of my life. Again, it was another reality that I had to face.
I'm just bitter with life right now. I don't think I've ever done anything to purposefully harm someone else, but this feels like a punishment. I still wake up and go to bed thinking that I'm being punished for some unknown reason. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before, and I should probably be thankful for that. In fact, I'm trying to be. But after being emotionally and then physically beaten up by the universe, I'm tired of trying to understand why everything happened to me. I'm so aware of what's going on around me right now, as if preparing for the next bad thing to happen, that I don't think I'm fully enjoying what time I have to myself.
I'll be searching for a new place of employment in January. After the surgery a few weeks ago, I just didn't have the heart (or strength) to find a job. I'm hoping that this little time off from work and school (since I did graduate, finally) will give me a chance to recuperate. And again-- that's just a hope right now.